Letting Go

 

Many years ago I very briefly dated a young man…let’s call him Shuler… (name changed to protect the guilty). We fitted naturally. It was nice, we were like pieces of a puzzle. It was natural. We just fit. On my side there were no insecurities, I just naturally liked him, it was easy. Our conversations were easy. It was a nice short relationship.

 

One night, on a Friday we went out dancing, like on the 3^rd week. It was alright, it was fun and I liked the people we met. At the end of the night I requested to be dropped at my place and everyone kind of ignored me. I was dropped at Shuler’s place with Shuler. At his place, I made a point to mention a bunch of times that I wasn’t ready to be intimate. I realized that there wasn’t going to be a consensus so, I picked up my stuff and left. 

This was around 1 am. I wasn’t really sure where I was.. I just left. He came after me and asked… pleaded with me to come back promising that nothing would happen. I thought about it and agreed to go back with him. Then for reasons I still don’t understand he started raining blows on me. He said that I made him walk out without any foot ware… I don’t know… I fell down as a result of the blows and these turned to kicks.

In the midst of all this I let out a scream. A watchman came to find out what was going on. As they discussed, I again picked up my stuff and walked. I happened to reach the stage, and got a mat to town and another to home (I didn’t have taxi money at that time)

Shuler is kind of famous now. Not that famous but he has name recognition. I know that he beats up women. I read a complaint a short while later from another woman. He is married and has kids and I know she is probably experiencing violence, but that is not my point.

 

My point is that I have let that whole episode go. Completely. When I think about the incident I don’t hold any resentment toward him. I don’t wish him bad things, but I don’t wish him much success either I am just neutral. There is no regret, there is no trauma, no bitterness, there is nothing there. I don’t have a need for revenge. I don’t want him to hurt, to be hurt because of what he did to me. It didn’t change my opinion of men. I don’t look at men and think they may hurt me, because he did.

 

All I feel is gratitude that his violence came so early in the relationship before I got really into him. I am also grateful for the ease of relationship, before the violence. How that was… it showed me that, that is a possibility. That it is possible to have an easy relationship, that it doesn’t have to be hard or awkward.

 

For me this is forgiveness. Letting go completely. Having no ill will toward to the perpetrator. Having no need for vengeance, for them to say, ‘sorry’ or be contrite or make amends. Just being free of them. Just being free. Being at peace.