Letting Go

 

Many years ago I very briefly dated a young man…let’s call him Shuler… (name changed to protect the guilty). We fitted naturally. It was nice, we were like pieces of a puzzle. It was natural. We just fit. On my side there were no insecurities, I just naturally liked him, it was easy. Our conversations were easy. It was a nice short relationship.

 

One night, on a Friday we went out dancing, like on the 3^rd week. It was alright, it was fun and I liked the people we met. At the end of the night I requested to be dropped at my place and everyone kind of ignored me. I was dropped at Shuler’s place with Shuler. At his place, I made a point to mention a bunch of times that I wasn’t ready to be intimate. I realized that there wasn’t going to be a consensus so, I picked up my stuff and left. 

This was around 1 am. I wasn’t really sure where I was.. I just left. He came after me and asked… pleaded with me to come back promising that nothing would happen. I thought about it and agreed to go back with him. Then for reasons I still don’t understand he started raining blows on me. He said that I made him walk out without any foot ware… I don’t know… I fell down as a result of the blows and these turned to kicks.

In the midst of all this I let out a scream. A watchman came to find out what was going on. As they discussed, I again picked up my stuff and walked. I happened to reach the stage, and got a mat to town and another to home (I didn’t have taxi money at that time)

Shuler is kind of famous now. Not that famous but he has name recognition. I know that he beats up women. I read a complaint a short while later from another woman. He is married and has kids and I know she is probably experiencing violence, but that is not my point.

 

My point is that I have let that whole episode go. Completely. When I think about the incident I don’t hold any resentment toward him. I don’t wish him bad things, but I don’t wish him much success either I am just neutral. There is no regret, there is no trauma, no bitterness, there is nothing there. I don’t have a need for revenge. I don’t want him to hurt, to be hurt because of what he did to me. It didn’t change my opinion of men. I don’t look at men and think they may hurt me, because he did.

 

All I feel is gratitude that his violence came so early in the relationship before I got really into him. I am also grateful for the ease of relationship, before the violence. How that was… it showed me that, that is a possibility. That it is possible to have an easy relationship, that it doesn’t have to be hard or awkward.

 

For me this is forgiveness. Letting go completely. Having no ill will toward to the perpetrator. Having no need for vengeance, for them to say, ‘sorry’ or be contrite or make amends. Just being free of them. Just being free. Being at peace.

The Gift of PAIN

 

I fall for people easily. That is that my thing. I can fall for a man on the drop of a hat. I can fall after a sentence or a look. A few months ago I fell or a guy because he was kind to a cat. That was it… he was kind to a cat and that was it for me. 

On this backdrop, I encountered a beautiful man sometime back. We just clicked naturally. It was very easy to talk to him. He made me laugh. It was like he had a cheat sheet to my heart. He said all the right things in the right ways. It felt good. 

Right now, as I keep telling anyone who will listen, I cannot get into a relationship because of a program that I am following. And he was one of those people that I told. That should have ended that. It started up again when I was going through some emotional thing, and talking to him really helped me cope.   And he was nice, he was the right amount support not too much, not too little. Just the right amount. He was, to me, pretty perfect. He is also good looking, and financially stable.  

I fell for him very easily and very hard. Really hard. 

One day he asked to meet up. Up to this point he hadn’t seen me.  He also shortly after asked for a photo. And I sent it….. and the rejection was INSTANT!. He made an excuse and to finish with me and that was that

The pain was visceral. It was undeniable. I went through all these emotions. I felt, inadequate, unloved and unloveable. I wanted to make all these changes, change me in order that I could be someone that he could love. I felt angry at God for bringing this situation to me.., “we are friends, why would You let that happen to me?!!!” I felt stupid, and silly for falling for someone over a chat. I was angry at me, for putting me in this situation, cause I felt it was so unnecessary. I blamed me, I blamed God. It just hurt so much. It just really hurt so much. 

Now, I am an Emotional Journey specialist, meaning, I pride myself in being able to move my emotions from one state to another quickly, easily and permanently. And I remembered that. I put ALL my tools to work. ALL. Everything; including the kitchen sink! And I went hard. Sometime into the work I really felt that this would not work that I wouldn’t manage that this case was too hard that the hurt was too deep for this to work. I had never tried these methods for this kind of pain. I felt this doubt that these processes would work. But I kept going because I didn’t really have a choice; it was either the work or the pain and the pain I couldn’t... so I kept going.

Sometime later, it began to feel lighter, then a short while later, it was just fine.  Just really OK. The pain was gone. I felt for him and there was nothing there. The pain was just GONE! My appreciation for me rekindled. I remembered how I feel about me. Who I am to me. 

I also started feeling a new feeling. A gratitude. This intense gratitude to God that I went through this experience. That I fell for this guy and that he rejected me, and that it was painful and that the processes that I knew WORKED! That they worked and that now I knew something new. Something that is useful, something that I KNOW. Something of I knew all the parts. Something that  I could impart to someone else. (Something that I can post here in this forum  ). 

It also taught me (re-taught me) to be grateful for all the bad things in my life. They are a blessing. They truly are a blessing from God. 

Thank you for letting me share. 

How to get people to like you

So are you brave enough to give this a try and make the effort to see if this is something that could work for you. 

It is really simple; to get people to like you better you have to like you better. That is all. The more you like you, the more they will like you.  That is it!

One thing that you could do is make lists and lists of things that you like about you. Make a long list of things that you like about you. Especially if you can do it to the point that you start to feel nice, warm feelings about you. When you have sustained nice feelings about yourself, other people will start to feel the same. 

If there is a person that you want to  have positive feelings toward you, then make long lists of things you like about them. Very long lists. Now I am not sure  why it works but it does. 

The trick  is to only make lists of what you like about you… don’t say things like …. I like that I am slim but I don’t like that I am too tall. OR… I like that I am funny but people don’t like it.. No “buts” don’t negate the good things in your list. Just keep it positive. Then read the list. It will still feel as good as it did when you wrote it. 

Also, don’t do it in order that they like you better… that cannot be your primary reason. It is an idea to do it just to feel good. (cause it really feels good to feel good about yourself) 

Are you brave enough, are you daring enough to give it a go?

Let me know 

Telling me nice things about me

A few weeks ago, well a few months ago got a coach. A person who would guide me out of my emotional mess, who is also quite knowledgeable on the subject matter and who has gone through what I am going through, who has gone through it and come out on the other side.

She gave me an exercise; each day to look myself in the mirror and tell myself 3 things;

a) I love you,

b) I accept you,

c) I forgive you. 

This was my first step to saying things to myself that are nice. I have sort of known about this. I have always known that telling myself nice things is a good idea but I have never used it. Not really. I am not even sure that I listened when it was said... 

Anyway, that is how all of this started. Sometime back my sister got me doing this exercise where I write and say out loud things that I like about me. 5 things. After a while, my coach said the same thing. Write 5 things about me that I like, every day. 

Recently a friend gave me a secret. He told me to just say nice things to myself. Simple things actually. Things like I am kind, I am loving, I try. It is amazing how easily and quickly and effectively this works. 

Before one starts, it is hard to even remember to say nice things to oneself because we are so used to calling ourselves all of these vile things. We usually spend a lot of time really insulting ourselves. Calling ourselves knowing names, that if someone else called us, we would cut them off, beat them up, and do all sorts of nasty things to them. 

I recently learnt this concept called "Self Compassion". I found it quite compelling especially because it is really quite simple. It is nice to be nice to oneself. It is nice when  I  am nice to myself. It is nice when I am nice to myself. One way I can be nice to myself is to say to myself nice things.