WINNN!!!!

So I have been job hunting for about 1.8 months…(what is 17 months?!!) I have become clear that I am no longer able to do uninteresting things for extended periods.  So job hunting was challenging. 

I would get gigs and they were OK for the most part . Nothing soul crushing  or back breaking. 

Every once in a while though things would get really tight and I had to go for whatever was in front of me. They were for the most part uninteresting… and paid little. OK though… it is Kenya money, we give thanks.

I have things that I am interested in, you know, like  writing here which I couldn’t do, because I had other things to worry about, like eating….

End of January 2022 I got an accident. It was bad enough so that the usual things I used to do to survive a month were not possible  anymore. Then I had to become dependent for a while. That works with great difficulty. But the help was available. And for that we give thanks!

Later something terrible happened. It was so bad, so bad and so painful that I had to focus. I had to finally put this knowledge (that is about using my internal environment to make money in my external, real world, environment) into practice. I had to get serious about it. 

I got serious about forgiving, I got serious about making peace with everyone.I got serious about gratitude, I got serious about worthiness  and having a good time regardless of what was happening in my life.

It took a while… about 3 weeks…then things started to change. I started to receive money!  People started to offer me work that paid higher than I was used to getting…I got offered money, I was getting fun projects!!! So basically I was getting paid to have FUN!!!

There was  a small slow down as I recalibrated a new situation that was becoming challenging then got back to business. Then I restarted working my  program …. then YESTERDAY!!!! Something I was doing temporarily, I got offered a trial period  for a month…if I do a good job then it is permanent…(well longer than a month) at higher pay! Thing is…it is a fun gig.. I cannot wait to start!  WHAT!!!! No more desperation! No sadness!! Just good money, coming in fun ways!! 

That is my life now…. 

Would this interest you? 

Comment with “NOW” below and I will get in touch.

Hatred

 Hatred

Well hatred/irritation/anger/discouragement… any emotion that can consume and envelop. Any emotion really that can completely take over you so completely. Any emotion that can take you over completely. 

I have the knowledge that any emotion that we feel will bring something like it into this world. Into the material world. So if I feel angry enough for long enough, other things that make me feel angry show up in my life.  Like if I am angry at let’s say Brian  for lying to me and breaking my heart, other things like that will show up. I will have my spiritual advisor breaking my heart but this time worse, then my boss will fire me for reasons I don’t understand, which will make me angry and break my heart… you get the picture… 

If I want things to change, I have to find a way to feel different. I have to find a way to feel better. I have to forgive all these mofos and let them go completely. I can get my good life back, the life that I can enjoy. It takes focused work. It takes deciding that nothing is more important than that I feel good. And doing everything to ensure that I get to feeling good

I work very hard to do this. I use all my tools, I pray, I write, I meditate, I release. Always with the primary purpose in mind.  

This is my secret to having a happy life with thing coming to me with ease

Letting Go

 

Many years ago I very briefly dated a young man…let’s call him Shuler… (name changed to protect the guilty). We fitted naturally. It was nice, we were like pieces of a puzzle. It was natural. We just fit. On my side there were no insecurities, I just naturally liked him, it was easy. Our conversations were easy. It was a nice short relationship.

 

One night, on a Friday we went out dancing, like on the 3^rd week. It was alright, it was fun and I liked the people we met. At the end of the night I requested to be dropped at my place and everyone kind of ignored me. I was dropped at Shuler’s place with Shuler. At his place, I made a point to mention a bunch of times that I wasn’t ready to be intimate. I realized that there wasn’t going to be a consensus so, I picked up my stuff and left. 

This was around 1 am. I wasn’t really sure where I was.. I just left. He came after me and asked… pleaded with me to come back promising that nothing would happen. I thought about it and agreed to go back with him. Then for reasons I still don’t understand he started raining blows on me. He said that I made him walk out without any foot ware… I don’t know… I fell down as a result of the blows and these turned to kicks.

In the midst of all this I let out a scream. A watchman came to find out what was going on. As they discussed, I again picked up my stuff and walked. I happened to reach the stage, and got a mat to town and another to home (I didn’t have taxi money at that time)

Shuler is kind of famous now. Not that famous but he has name recognition. I know that he beats up women. I read a complaint a short while later from another woman. He is married and has kids and I know she is probably experiencing violence, but that is not my point.

 

My point is that I have let that whole episode go. Completely. When I think about the incident I don’t hold any resentment toward him. I don’t wish him bad things, but I don’t wish him much success either I am just neutral. There is no regret, there is no trauma, no bitterness, there is nothing there. I don’t have a need for revenge. I don’t want him to hurt, to be hurt because of what he did to me. It didn’t change my opinion of men. I don’t look at men and think they may hurt me, because he did.

 

All I feel is gratitude that his violence came so early in the relationship before I got really into him. I am also grateful for the ease of relationship, before the violence. How that was… it showed me that, that is a possibility. That it is possible to have an easy relationship, that it doesn’t have to be hard or awkward.

 

For me this is forgiveness. Letting go completely. Having no ill will toward to the perpetrator. Having no need for vengeance, for them to say, ‘sorry’ or be contrite or make amends. Just being free of them. Just being free. Being at peace.

Forgiving me for small things

For me in general I have a few general things that I have to forgive in other people. I am not in a romantic relationship so, things I have to forgive are the general type. Nothing major. 

Today though, I had an interesting experience. There is this old colleague that I sort of had a crush on. Nothing major. I remember once we had an interaction and …. Well.. I definitely made a fool of myself, because I was acting out on the crush and he brushed me off. Whenever I remember the interaction it always me feel bad, uncomfortable, kind of ashamed of myself… for behaving the way I did. I have always wanted to have behaved differently in general. 

Today the memory came back to me and the old feelings flooded over me. The old discomforts came back and the shame and feeling like I had made a fool of myself and that regret. It was really quick. 

Then the memory of my exercises also came back. I did them and in a few moments the feelings were not there anymore. I feel this ease, this not caring about that old memory at all. It feels OK now. 

I am just grateful that God brought the exercises to me so that dealing with these discomforts becomes easy and not anything that I keep having to carry it for the rest of my life.