HATE

 

I like to call myself “The Love Expert”. I have spent a whole lot of time studying love.  I am against anything hate and usually have a difficult time understanding why even how, one person can hate another person. Especially when the hate is based on something that the person was born with, something that has nothing to do with the personality of a person. E.G. if the person is gay, or dark skinned or based on the sex of the person. Nothing really to do with them.  That hate I have never understood. I try not to engage in this because it is useless and it is not possible to change the mind of the hater anyway. 

Why do I post this, because me, a connoisseur of love, had a person I hated.  HATED!  This man was such a sexist and a misogynist, he looked down upon everyone, he lorded over everyone and felt only his needs were important and fuck everyone else’s needs. He didn’t respect boundaries, (I don’t think he knows what those are.) He would test people he would be as big an asshole to everyone and if you complained about it, you were the asshole. We knocked heads often (especially in the beginning) cause I would not put up with his bullshit. 

It soon became evident that I had moved from initial feelings onto creation. I believed he was an asshole and now I was just creating assholicness in my life. I also knew, (KNEW!) that if I would not resolve him then I would stay in this bullshit space where I am creating bullshit vibe and reality in my life and very soon someone for whom, I felt the exact same way would show up in my life. 

It  was hard, and I made a huge effort at resolving him (or rather my feeling, my hate feelings for him). On the daily, I wished him good things, I wrote lists of things that liked about him, (which were few) I would come to a space where mentally I could stand him…. Then I would go and sit right next to him to wake any latent hate I felt for him so that I could clean up on that, too.  

I managed mostly. The feelings changed, I stopped the hate, I got to a space where I could stand him and I would stop spewing bile whenever he opened his mouth. We stopped being in contact after a while, but I really believe that given the opportunity I would have managed love for him. 

Something else I noticed is that he changed.. well at least regarding his interaction with me, he stopped being such a fucking asshole!!! He became normal. He even became a little vulnerable, an actual human being. I believe that it would be possible to achieve real love for him. A space where I loved him without  condition. 

He taught me that it is possible to move how I feel for someone from one space to another. I can stop hating someone and move that feeling to love. 

Why did I do it, though? It wasn’t for him for sure, it was for me. I didn’t want to live in world where all I felt was hate, I wanted to feel LOVE in my life. I wanted my world to be FILLED WITH LOVE and this couldn’t be achieved while at the same time feeling hate. 

The added advantage was the changed behavior in him.  That wasn’t the intention but it was nice to experience anyway. 

LOVE WORKS! 

The Gift of PAIN

 

I fall for people easily. That is that my thing. I can fall for a man on the drop of a hat. I can fall after a sentence or a look. A few months ago I fell or a guy because he was kind to a cat. That was it… he was kind to a cat and that was it for me. 

On this backdrop, I encountered a beautiful man sometime back. We just clicked naturally. It was very easy to talk to him. He made me laugh. It was like he had a cheat sheet to my heart. He said all the right things in the right ways. It felt good. 

Right now, as I keep telling anyone who will listen, I cannot get into a relationship because of a program that I am following. And he was one of those people that I told. That should have ended that. It started up again when I was going through some emotional thing, and talking to him really helped me cope.   And he was nice, he was the right amount support not too much, not too little. Just the right amount. He was, to me, pretty perfect. He is also good looking, and financially stable.  

I fell for him very easily and very hard. Really hard. 

One day he asked to meet up. Up to this point he hadn’t seen me.  He also shortly after asked for a photo. And I sent it….. and the rejection was INSTANT!. He made an excuse and to finish with me and that was that

The pain was visceral. It was undeniable. I went through all these emotions. I felt, inadequate, unloved and unloveable. I wanted to make all these changes, change me in order that I could be someone that he could love. I felt angry at God for bringing this situation to me.., “we are friends, why would You let that happen to me?!!!” I felt stupid, and silly for falling for someone over a chat. I was angry at me, for putting me in this situation, cause I felt it was so unnecessary. I blamed me, I blamed God. It just hurt so much. It just really hurt so much. 

Now, I am an Emotional Journey specialist, meaning, I pride myself in being able to move my emotions from one state to another quickly, easily and permanently. And I remembered that. I put ALL my tools to work. ALL. Everything; including the kitchen sink! And I went hard. Sometime into the work I really felt that this would not work that I wouldn’t manage that this case was too hard that the hurt was too deep for this to work. I had never tried these methods for this kind of pain. I felt this doubt that these processes would work. But I kept going because I didn’t really have a choice; it was either the work or the pain and the pain I couldn’t... so I kept going.

Sometime later, it began to feel lighter, then a short while later, it was just fine.  Just really OK. The pain was gone. I felt for him and there was nothing there. The pain was just GONE! My appreciation for me rekindled. I remembered how I feel about me. Who I am to me. 

I also started feeling a new feeling. A gratitude. This intense gratitude to God that I went through this experience. That I fell for this guy and that he rejected me, and that it was painful and that the processes that I knew WORKED! That they worked and that now I knew something new. Something that is useful, something that I KNOW. Something of I knew all the parts. Something that  I could impart to someone else. (Something that I can post here in this forum  ). 

It also taught me (re-taught me) to be grateful for all the bad things in my life. They are a blessing. They truly are a blessing from God. 

Thank you for letting me share. 

Telling me nice things about me

A few weeks ago, well a few months ago got a coach. A person who would guide me out of my emotional mess, who is also quite knowledgeable on the subject matter and who has gone through what I am going through, who has gone through it and come out on the other side.

She gave me an exercise; each day to look myself in the mirror and tell myself 3 things;

a) I love you,

b) I accept you,

c) I forgive you. 

This was my first step to saying things to myself that are nice. I have sort of known about this. I have always known that telling myself nice things is a good idea but I have never used it. Not really. I am not even sure that I listened when it was said... 

Anyway, that is how all of this started. Sometime back my sister got me doing this exercise where I write and say out loud things that I like about me. 5 things. After a while, my coach said the same thing. Write 5 things about me that I like, every day. 

Recently a friend gave me a secret. He told me to just say nice things to myself. Simple things actually. Things like I am kind, I am loving, I try. It is amazing how easily and quickly and effectively this works. 

Before one starts, it is hard to even remember to say nice things to oneself because we are so used to calling ourselves all of these vile things. We usually spend a lot of time really insulting ourselves. Calling ourselves knowing names, that if someone else called us, we would cut them off, beat them up, and do all sorts of nasty things to them. 

I recently learnt this concept called "Self Compassion". I found it quite compelling especially because it is really quite simple. It is nice to be nice to oneself. It is nice when  I  am nice to myself. It is nice when I am nice to myself. One way I can be nice to myself is to say to myself nice things. 

Making the Love of Myself Perfect

I am older..well probably older than you. My history with men has been interestingly pathetic. I always was into or crushing on someone who didn't even know I existed. Most of my life I only had like one person hit on me a year. In general. This, even though I worked in an office where there were men out numbered women 3:1. Once I worked in a location filled with eligible men who were single and about my age. Still no one really pursued me. Most of the time the men who even looked at me, I found fairly unattractive. (OK not fairly unattractive, TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY unattractive.) And then I was actually cute.. like really cute (see photo)! And no one ever saw me... no one noticed me, just the laches. 

In the last 3 years it got really bad. I think I only got hit on all of last year by ONE dude who was one of those "twende tulale" variety (that was depressing). 

 I discovered this thing that I could do, to get the man of my dreams. 

This had 4 steps.

 a) Forgiving me for all the crap I put myself through as concerns men. I really have dated horrible men who hate me. 

 b) Love and accept myself without condition 

c) Forgive everyone who ever hurt me in anyway (all of them) 

d) Love all them. (All of them) without condition. 

I always wanted to do this process, but I was always put it off, I always said I would start tomorrow. 9 years came and went. Finally late last year, I started the work. Honestly, I am not sure I didn't do the work. It was fun. I feel soo good after any section. I end up kind of euphoric and people forgiven and people loved. 

I am still in the process, BUT!! BUT!!! I have been hit on seriously by like 8 guys this year. Most are fun, some are extremely attractive, some are, funny, some are rich, some are a combination. It is kind of cool. 

I cannot be in a relationship right now.. and I KNOW that I cannot get into a relationship because I am NOT ready; AT ALL. But the process of "Making the love of myself perfect" and "Healing myself into love". 

From the "samples" I have received, I really believe that that the love is waiting for me.

My Good Friend & Her Loves

I have a very good friend.  One I of the most important things in her life is love... well a baby... she has always wanted a baby. To go with the baby she has always wanted a good man to go with it.  She is beautiful so she meets many men.... and for the longest time the story has always been the same. She meets a guy, it is 3 weeks of intense love then nothing...., they disappear leaving her in a puddle of tears.  I tried counselling her on the benefits of love,  love for herself and healing herself rather than looking to others to do it for her, and for the longest time she didn't listen..... One day she did, and her love life changed, dramatically. .... now she is on her way to get married to a man who is more amazing than her dream guy! She can hardly believe it!