Not ready for love

This is an old video from my YouTube channel that I made a few years ago. It is interesting for me because this remains true for me. I still use the same reasons for not keeping love. I still through love back, because I don't feel worthy of love. 

I am still also not ready for love, I still did not do the work that I was supposed to do in order to get ready for love. It is a mixture of not enough self-love, laziness, and not believing in my ability to do this. 

Why choose love

Love to me is the most important thing in the world. I have a theory that love is the most important thing in the world. Whenever I get into a space where I like me, even a little men start falling from the skies into my lap.  I am  not in a place where I can be in a relationship, which means that I have to be careful around the whole self-love thing.

 

It is also weird because lately I have been finding amazing and awesome ways to love myself more. They are also easy and they work so well. But it will be well. God is in control.

 

 

Making the Love of Myself Perfect

I am older..well probably older than you. My history with men has been interestingly pathetic. I always was into or crushing on someone who didn't even know I existed. Most of my life I only had like one person hit on me a year. In general. This, even though I worked in an office where there were men out numbered women 3:1. Once I worked in a location filled with eligible men who were single and about my age. Still no one really pursued me. Most of the time the men who even looked at me, I found fairly unattractive. (OK not fairly unattractive, TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY unattractive.) And then I was actually cute.. like really cute (see photo)! And no one ever saw me... no one noticed me, just the laches. 

In the last 3 years it got really bad. I think I only got hit on all of last year by ONE dude who was one of those "twende tulale" variety (that was depressing). 

 I discovered this thing that I could do, to get the man of my dreams. 

This had 4 steps.

 a) Forgiving me for all the crap I put myself through as concerns men. I really have dated horrible men who hate me. 

 b) Love and accept myself without condition 

c) Forgive everyone who ever hurt me in anyway (all of them) 

d) Love all them. (All of them) without condition. 

I always wanted to do this process, but I was always put it off, I always said I would start tomorrow. 9 years came and went. Finally late last year, I started the work. Honestly, I am not sure I didn't do the work. It was fun. I feel soo good after any section. I end up kind of euphoric and people forgiven and people loved. 

I am still in the process, BUT!! BUT!!! I have been hit on seriously by like 8 guys this year. Most are fun, some are extremely attractive, some are, funny, some are rich, some are a combination. It is kind of cool. 

I cannot be in a relationship right now.. and I KNOW that I cannot get into a relationship because I am NOT ready; AT ALL. But the process of "Making the love of myself perfect" and "Healing myself into love". 

From the "samples" I have received, I really believe that that the love is waiting for me.

When things line up

So yesterday I was feeling odd. Really odd. I did my process, and it worked really quickly. Very quickly, I was surprised. Really surprised. Then the series of events started. The internet went. For a really long time. A really long time. Very strange. So  worked on the other project..... for a bit. I borrowed some money and went for evening shopping (dinner.)

Everything was really normal, really normal except this thing that kept saying to go a certain way. I have this space I buy tomatoes, it is a bit far off. Which meant I had to pass many other vendors, who sell perfectly good (and cheaper...) tomatoes. ..but the pull was strong. Really strong.  So I went.

On the way, I encountered this guy. He just walked up and said, 'halo', and we started talking. We took a break and talked again for a long time and it was really cool. Really cool. 

He is soo many things that I like. He even nods when speaks, like he is agreeing with himself, and I do it myself. He speaks English actual English.

He could be sample of what I want, or what I want. I have to find a way to relax and enjoy this. But something I have to admit, it is a direct result of me getting to like me better. Actually working at liking me bettter.

Loving my Mother

I have always had a difficult relationship with my Mother. I always loved her, but always doubted her affection for me. She always seemed to prefer anyone, ANYONE, anyone… especially other siblings. I blamed her for all the things I thought were not working in my life. I had many years of just secretly holding onto many resentments, and blaming them all on her. I blame us, but mostly I BLAMED HER!!!! 

I held on to this for many years, many many many years. I don’t know why, I thought this was an acceptable load to carry. I carried this resentment for years. YEARS!!!! YEARS!!!! Wasted years. It took me 5 days to let go of YEARS of resentment of my beloved Mom. 5 days. I wasted YEARS on something I could have worked out in 5 days because it was ‘legitimate’, and ‘I had proof of my resentment’. 

Now I love my Mom. I have forgiven all the bullshit I held for many years.  Some real some made up. Now I don’t care about anything but just loving her, (I actually adore her now) without conditions, and as a result she became someone different. She is nice to me now, she actually behaves like she loves me… it could be me, or her or it could be forgiveness and letting go.

Lurve....

Love... Love oh love... I love love... I really love love. I love everything about love. I love the things that it is. I love the things it produces. I love the way  I feel when I have love.  I love the way my head feels, how my heart feels how my body feels when I feel love. I am always chasing love because I know the power of love. Just pure love. I really believe in love.  I also believe that it is possible to create the feeling of love that it is not just an organic feeling that comes and goes because of particular conditions. I really believe that it is possible to create that feeling of love the feeling of pure love. Why do it... well because it is an amazing feeling, it feels soo good. So good.... and the advantages are immense.

Yes, You can Be Happy... and FAST!!!

So I have a friend... she used to be a good friend... or can I say a , "good friend"... She is fun. Mostly fun. She is mostly open minded and in many ways we have the same way of seeing things. I appreciated her especially because she stuck by me. She stuck by me when the whole world ( literally.... the whole world... including family...... but now that I think about it,   probably was my creation) left me.  Then she changed... or maybe it was me who changed.   She became suddenly hostile. Suddenly she didn't mind  letting me know that she looked down upon me. Lately she was ultra mean, much more than she used to be..  At the same time, I have been working diligently to improve my relationship with me. As a result I have been loving me more.. really looking at me and seeing the good.  I think that is why  I couldn't cope with her anymore. She wanted someone who did not love themselves who would put up with whatever she would throw. Finally yesterday she said she no longer wanted to be friends... I tried to remain her friend but she would not have it...  She was very categorical, we were done.  It felt bad really bad. I felt hurt. I wondered  how long this would take to get over. I wondered when next  I would be happy...

Fast forward to today. I started by deciding that today was going to be a good day. That today.. .today was going to be a good day. I did my happy girl processes and really could not believe how fast it worked... ( I know.. even after 8 years). I got happy... I am still happy... Sometimes swimming in joy, sometimes just positive but I am  happy. I am happy. One day I will forget. One day she will be distant memory but in the meantime; I am happy!